Some of you may have followed this on twitter. It is incredible. This is a twitter feed from a Brit living in France with his French wife. His neighbours are British. They voted Leave. They are surprised that now that the UK has left the EU they don’t have the same rights as before. Priceless. ROFL…

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Twitter Feed of a Brit living in France

START Just had conversation with a British couple who have a holiday home near us. They voted for Brexit and have made no arrangements whatsoever for what happens on Jan 1. They have now discovered the reality of their situation. The blame apparently is with “Brussels”.
Quick follow up to this. They have always assumed I am British and only recently discovered I have dual nationality. When I told them and revealed all my EU rights were protected I was told that was, “very unfair” and “typical of the EU”

Further follow up. Their son (lives in UK, uses house for holidays) called me at lunchtime. “Is this true what those bastards in Brussels are doing to my parents?, we’ll see about that. They have no right right to treat us that way”

My wife has just spoken with the lady of the couple in question. She is in tears as she has just today realised the full extent of what is going to happen. They had planned on retiring here in about five years when her husband retired but no longer. They will now have to sell.

The son has been back on, it seems he will be, “Taking this to the top” I have no idea what that means. He’s not going to be “pushed around” by ‘Brussels’ and he’s spoken to his friends at work who all agree with him. Seems this is the EU bullying his parents and being vindictive toward British people because they are jealous of Brexit. My only reply was, “Well ok then”

Received a largely incoherent message from the idiot son via WhatsApp. Says that my wife and I are ‘part of the problem’, wants to know what we are doing to help, should have warned his parents, Farage was right, (not sure what about), something about the War, the Empire etc.

Latest Development: The wife called my wife again. More tears, seems the idiot son has been shouting at his work about this and has been sent home to cool off. Meanwhile they have made the decision to sell the house and have asked if could help with viewings. We have said yes. O Christ

Another call, this time from the son. He’s decided to come over next week and “sort this all out with the Mayor” I tried to explain that it’s nothing to do with our Mayor and that this is down to the UK leaving the EU. He said he didn’t vote for Brexit to have this I said he needs to take the time to understand what Brexit means but he will not listen. I told him he will need to wear a mask when here. Surprise, surprise he, “Doesn’t believe in them” I doubt he can get a Channel crossing so he probably will not make it.

Long email from the original couple. They are very angry. Feel they have been lied to (not sure if they mean me or the UK government) and want “compensation” (again not sure who from). Want me to write a letter confirming they knew nothing about the effects of Brexit. The icing on the cake has been delivered.

WhatsApp message from the idiot son. He is saying he has a Eurostar crossing for Thursday and will be here late Thursday night after taking the TGV from Paris. He asked if I can collect him from the railway station. OK although I was tempted to collect him she who must be obeyed has put her Gallic foot down and made me say no.

I have also dropped a text to our Mayor who immediately phoned me roaring with laughter. He has promised a crack team of Gendarmes will be on standby just in case. That’s it for the day. My wife has prepared canard à l’orange and she will be angry if it gets cold.

Good evening. Brief update as so many asked. The duck was excellent, my wife is a brilliant cook. I had creme brulee for pudding. The story is true and that is how it happened today. Our dog is now asleep I promise to update the story as it develops.

Idiot son has been drinking. Just called me via WhatsApp. I am his best friend. SIGH

Overnight update: An email from the couple once again asking about compensation (from France, the EU, the UK, it’s not clear?)

Second email asking to look after their son when he arrives (in the Mafia sense?)

WhatApp message from idiot son reading, “Hgbyot you & the french”

Excellent Development. A WhatsApp message I had missed from the idiot son. He has said he will be …… (drum roll)….. “talking to Nigel Farage about this”. Having read the email in detail over breakfast I can now offer a precis. They want compensation from someone. They do not know how much they want. They do not know why they should get it. They do not know who should pay it. They do know it’s not their fault (for some reason)

Brief WhatsApp message from idiot son. “Sorry about last night, I’d had a drink”. Is this for me or what else did he do last night ?

New message. He wants to know if the Mayor could be “squared away with a “good drink” and if he was open to a “deal”. I again said the Mayor is not who he needs and that this is all an EU matter, I suggested he contact Ursula von der Leyen. He asked if I have her number.

I have spoken to our Mayor’s wife (Mayor is out having lunch). She says after knowing him for thirty years he could be probably be corrupted if a date with Vanessa Paradis could be delivered as part of the deal. I have this morning been inundated with DM’s asking me to “prove” this thread. This is my answer to all of you.

If you don’t want to believe it, block me, mute me or simply stop reading my tweets. All I have written is true and is still happening. I doubt Thursday will end it

email from the Father: “My son is coming over to sort all this out. We all feel this is very unfair and we have been badly treated. We have paid our taxe d’habitation and we have rights. The French should not be allowed to do this, please help us in our fight to put this right. The son has confirmed his train. Arrives at Bordeaux Saint-Jean Station 1856 local time on Thursday. He is then hiring a car and will be with us around 9pm. He will stay at his parents house and has a meeting with the Mayor for 10am Friday morning. To add a certain je ne sais quoi the Mayor will maintain during the meeting that he speaks only French. I know idiot son only speaks English. I have offered to attend and “translate”

New message from idiot son. If all this can be “fixed” on Friday he says he will take my wife and I out for a “bloody good dinner”. I am not sure if it is in the power for a regional French Mayor to fix Brexit but we shall see, he’s a bright guy.

New message from the Father. He’s asking me to “look after” his son when he’s here. This is the second time he’s requested this. It’s possible he’s asking for the Corleone option.

We have a new character! I just received a WhatsApp from idiot son’s boss asking me to confirm the visit on Thursday and Friday is for “an urgent family matter”. I have not yet replied.

WhatsApp message from idiot son. “Please tell my boss I have to come to France for urgent family business”. I have now just discovered he works as a tyre fitter. I have found his facebook page!

I have called his boss and told him the truth, that I am trying to help his parents and that he wants to meet with a French Mayor to try and get an exception for his parents from Brexit. He said, “He’s always been a f*cking spanner” He’s got permission to come 😲

His boss just sent me a message saying, “If he wants to waste his holiday time on this it’s up to him. He’s a complete plank if he thinks it will make any difference though, typical”.

Hold your breath everyone, he will be here tomorrow. Sorry, I got over excited. It’s Thursday he’s coming not tomorrow. Wife has just told me to, “Calm down and do some proper work”

Idiot son has sent me a message thanking me for persuading his boss! He has asked me if there is anything he can bring me from the UK. I’ve requested HP Sauce.

The Mayor is with us here, he has dropped in for a small apéro. It seems the entire Mayor’s office is now following this. He has no idea how they are all going to keep straight faces when ‘you know who’ turns up on Friday. One lady has switched her day off to be there.

Email: The family have got themselves a lawyer and he’s presumably from the Lionel Hutz law school as he has said he sees “no reason” why an individual exception to Brexit rules couldn’t be applied to them. He has asked to call me as the their “local representative”.

WhatsApp from idiot son: He’s googled the Mayor and seen he is a Rugby fan. Wants to know if Six Nations tickets would “smooth him up”. I have advised idiot son that bribing an official in France is a serious matter. He said, “The French have always liked a bung, that’s how the Channel Tunnel got made.” I have a call with the lawyer at lunchtime.

Quick message from idiot son’s boss. “Do keep an eye on him for me. He has a habit of getting into trouble. Last year he fell off a bridge in Hemel Hempstead” Suggested to lawyer we talk via Skype, he said, “I’m not keen on that sort of thing” I don’t know what to make of that. I suggested Microsoft Teams but he said, “Same problem, once the camera is on, it’s on for ever. Then they can watch you”. I’m not sure who “they” are.

Good news the lawyer is not a nutcase just a man who prefers traditional phone calls. Seems he worked on a privacy case some year ago and there was evidence of cameras being turned on without permission. Phew – was worried for a moment. Call in 5 minutes to discuss OK this may take a while to go through so expect multiple posts.

The lawyer is for real and a nice reasonable man who has known the father for some time.. He was confused as to why I was involved, I said I was too. He had been told I was their local “legal expert”, I made clear I’m not and have no involvement in this. Then he said, “Well I think you are involved now” He will not discuss his conversation with the family for obvious reasons but did say that should another client ask for his advice on this matter the chances of obtaining an exception were zero. Speaking to a mayor would make no difference. I told him about the bribery conversation. He said,” “O God not again” I then told him about idiot son’s visit tomorrow, there was a long period of silence and then he said, “He’s a man of various talents but he needs watching”

Message from son, he’s heard I know about the bridge incident. Said, “It was not my fault that was down to Darren and his obsession with road signs” So many questions…….

On his facebook page “Off to France tomorrow to sort out stuff for my parents house. Not going to let some Frogs push my family around, Brexit is about not letting them push us around anymore. Might have to go to Brussels as well if they no listen. Wish me luck ” He just sent me a message asking how far is it from my house to Brussels. I said about 850km. He then asked for the distance in miles as he, “Doesn’t do French lengths” There will be no more tweets today as I am taking my wife out to dinner tonight.

I trust you all have a pleasant day and I will return tomorrow to give you updates on his journey. I know he has an early Eurostar crossing and will arrive in Paris mid morning.

Good evening. One last tweet. To all the people saying I use a stock photo in my bio. Yes of course I bloody do, I write under a nom de plume so I’m hardly likely to use a real photo of me am I ? Twats.

At midnight he sent me a WhatsApp message, “You and me tomorrow Mark are going to show them, we’ll win this. That mayor is going know all about my family, they think they can do us but they can’t. He’ll take a good drink I know he will, they all do.”

My name’s not Mark

Text from our Mayor. Every single person who works for the Mayors office will be there tomorrow plus the Mayor’s wife and two sons.

WhatsApp message received, He’s just arrived at St Pancras station, his mother is with him to “see him off”. He has my HP sauce..

Email from the father: “I hope you and xxxxx can get this sorted out. It’s so unfair the way we are being treated. France should not do this. We have always done things right there like putting our rubbish out etc. My wife is very upset and does not understand it all.”

I replied to say yes as neighbours we always appreciated their commitment to good dustbin etiquette and I would be sure to remind the Mayor of that in the meeting.

He wrote back with a smiling face emoji and a thumbs up.

I texted our Mayor with their comments on putting their bins out. He replied, “l’élimination des déchets est importante” Maybe this will be the clincher?

Update. His Eurostar train was cancelled but he never checked so when he turned up at St Pancras there was a row and he’s now been thrown out of the station. He said “them in Brussels” cancelled the train on purpose to stop him coming over. He’s also lost his shoes. He has a new ticket for a later train. He’s been bitten by a dog – I’m not sure what’s happening. OK somewhat confusing for a while as our connection was bad and there was a lot of shouts but it seems the dog was owned by a tramp, he got into a fight with the tramp, the dog bit him and now the Police are there. He’s asking if I can speak to the police to “explain everything” OK just spoke with the police, they seemed friendly enough if a little bewildered. He had told them I was his “special legal adviser in France”. They basically told the tramp to sod off and our friend to be on his way. The police wished me “good luck” for when he arrives. So he will be on the 12:24 train that arrives in Paris at 15:47. I can’t see him making the connection to the TGV but ho hum.

I have had another message from his mother asking for me to look after him. I’m beginning to understand why people keep saying that. So that was an entertaining 20 minutes.

There was a co-ordinated attack on my Twitter password and now my DM’s are filling up with loads of attack posts by Brexit supporters including threats to me and my wife.

END of THREAD